Young Children: Efficient Cleansing Machines

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Children always fascinate me with the efficiency of their bodies’ ability to function and cleanse itself. Being a dad, I witness on a daily basis in my two boys (2 and 7) the many wonders of nature in its most healthy form, before life starts to ravage it. At 41 years old, everything I do with regard to bodily functions is slightly weird or laborious. I don’t have any specific digestive issues as such, but my body isn’t exactly well-oiled and running like a BMW all the time. My boys, on the other hand, are efficient precision machines, functioning at an award-winning level of proficiency. It’s something I took for granted as a boy myself but now ponder with amazement.

One of the most impressive features of the young body is its ease when using the bathroom. While I’m hunched in front of the the can in the morning squeezing out a leak with all my might, my boys walk in, point their little wiener at the bowl, and shoot out urine at a velocity that resembles a power washer. They can barely get it out of their skid-marked Spiderman briefs before spraying everything out in about 5 seconds while I’m left there bursting a blood vessel in my temple as my tentative stream ebbs and flows with my twitching arse cheeks. The boys’ systems are brand new and working perfectly – just off the lot with lots of warranty left – while my road-weary physique is showing high miles on the odometer. Not that I’m old or anything; I’m just not young. My boys’ wondrous bodies can also squeeze out a dump the size of a football in about 30 seconds while I need to read at least one full feature story in Rolling Stone magazine to keep me company while both my legs fall asleep on the throne. How the hell are their shits way more massive than mine? These things hit the water like a British Navy depth charge in World War II. They are hard as a rock and mean-looking. They look like Godzilla’s ear wax. And no resin. Just pure splash and dry. Insanely efficient. Adults can generate more paperwork than self-employment taxes with just one Hershey Kiss, while kids just bark, buff, and bail.

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Look out when they decide to get the stomach flu. Their young bodies can expel the bacteria or virus at the speed of light by just hurling it, without warning, straight from the small intestine right onto the brand new wallpaper. There is not even any discernable sound, just a small guttural heave…and splat. There is no “I think I’m gonna get sick” period. We adults alone own that grace period where we can set up the can for the demeaning “double attack” that destroys both toilet and tub. (You know what I’m talking about.) Kids’ bodies don’t care where they are. The whole house is their toilet when they’re sick. Their young bodies are only concerned with shedding the bug so they can move on with their busy lives of spilling drinks and creating massive amounts of crumbs.

A similar dynamic happens when they get colds and regular flus. They all of a sudden get a fever that makes them delirious. They hallucinate, thrash about, and talk to themselves in very creepy tones. They go nuts for a day or two, then pop right out of it and carry on. As adults we have the day or two of feeling dragged out, followed by the sweats and low-grade fever; we drag through our day anyway because we’re not allowed to lie down unless we are on our way to palliative care. And the bug lingers for a week or more as our bodies fight it off while trying to keep up the pace of working and feeding the kids, who probably dragged home the bug from their germ-infested stinky schools in the first place.

My mental safeguard against this depressing dichotomy between the child and the middle-aged man is simply to learn to appreciate it in all its natural wonder. Every garden hose piss, every humungous dump, every projectile vomit is a reminder that the human body in its initial stages of life is a miracle of efficiency. One day they will know the feeling of hovering, lingering, and languishing. But for now let them enjoy the swift efficiency by which their bodies cleanse themselves.

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9 Comments

Filed under Family

9 responses to “Young Children: Efficient Cleansing Machines

  1. JoAnn LeDrew

    Well, so true from my perspective as Mom and Grandmother. I have witnessed you at your peak and feel you boys a perfect follow up to you.
    Little boys are so busy and have no time for contemplating the hows and whys of bathroom issues. Got to love the wonder of youth.
    Mom

  2. Hey Kevin nice to hear from you and thanks for reading! Oh man were we ever in high performance during those Maher’s excursions! Lucky we were, or else we’d probably have become statistics! 🙂

  3. Kevin and Kim Robinson

    Chris, our bodies were high performance in Mahers all those years ago…hope you and your whole family are doing great…time flies…

    Kev

  4. Kevin and Kim Robinson

    Chris, that was absolutely perfect. I laughed, Kim laughed and my 4 year old projectile expert asked…what are ya laughing at as he watches his favorite video…AC/DC Stiff Upper Lip…no doubt handy mandy or jake and the neverland pirates immediately after….just amazing ability to adapt and we parents are blessed to have the opportunity to raise such treasures…

    miss everyone on the rock – daily and blogs like yours and the downhome magazine ….keep all of us attached and that is a Newfoundland and Labrador phenomenon that no other place on earth can match…

    Thanks for the long weekend grin…cheers.

    Kevin/Kim Robinson
    Windsor, ON

  5. Tracie R

    Your blog is always fantastic. Thank you for sharing. I laughed out loud during this one. Poor little trouts, but God love em for heaving it all out and moving right along to the days next adventure. It is so true.

    • Thanks so much, Trac! So glad you enjoy the blog. Im going to try to write daily throughout the fall. Between music and the family, there’s not shortage of material. Ha!! Come visit some time!

  6. Hilarious and insightful perspective! I especially love the visual of your arse twitching (have you seen Lonesome Jim?). I don’t have kids but from this I can just imagine the mess and chaos of it all. Brave souls, parents.

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